Very Top Five... Awesome ways to impress on a first date

Friday, 4 September 2009

(This section is for dudes, by the way. See tomorrow’s article for the lady’s equivalent.)

Right, so you need a bit of assistance on a first date. Or even with meeting someone who will actually go on a date with you in the first place.

It's a complex business. What you wear, what you say, how you act: All of these things are very important. And doing well on a first date is of paramount importance to your final aim: Having a handy lady (or gent, if you are one of those new-fangled hommosexials about whom we hear so much) around to prepare club sandwiches for you, do dishes, mop your brow when you feel the clammy touch of fever, and generally pander to you and fetch comfy pillows to lounge on while you watch Sunday afternoon cowboy movies. That's my aim, anyway.

Anyway, to help you with your massive charm bombardment I have constructed a list of guaranteed gentlemanly things that are sure to have her leaving a moist patch on the restaurant's chair. (Oh, that’s a handy test to tell if this article is right for you, by the way; did you understand that last sentence before the brackets? If not, you might stop reading now. No, don’t look it up in Urban Dictionary or plough on regardless. That would only besmirch your innocence, and I hardly want to be held guilty of that.)

5. Make an effort, doofus.

Wear smart/ironed/washed clothes, delete as befits your social class. If you are a smelly plebeian for the best part of the day, then here's an idea: Have a shower. Was that so hard? And a shave. And wear a T-shirt devoid of humorously ironic badinage or stains. Stand up straight, check your breath with your hand, don’t get pissed before you meet up with her, and offer her your hand when entering and leaving vehicles for that extra touch of class (and also to jolt her with your masculine sexual voltage, obviously.)

Feeling like a different, more confident and sexy man already? Then...

4. Act like you think you’re James Bond.

Unless you have a stupid surname, in which case repeating it in a Bond-esque style is likely to have your date sniggering you every time you do it. In fact, on second thoughts, don’t do that even if you’ve got a normal second name. Unless your name is actually James Bond. Which would be awesome.

Do the slurry thing that Sean Connery does. This gets easier with alcohol slurring, and therefore can help you disguise a moderate alcohol dependency problem, should you choose to keep THAT card close to your chest.

3. Buy her some drinks

She’ll be dead impressed by your largesse. But what does your drink say about you? Well, if you are sipping ghastly little cocktails with pink umbrellas then there’s every chance you’ll look a fool, and if you're necking pints of whisky you're probably quite manly, but there are many subtle shades in between.

F'rinstance, if you down a few vodka shots she may think 'Giggle giggle. How impressive!' (Since by now she'll probably have ingested a few units of alcohol herself.) However, if you down a few dozen vodka shots she'll think ' Gosh, what an alcoholic bastard.'

But don’t feel compelled to drink; if your tongue dances with conversational charm then you won’t require alcohol as a glossal lubricant. For you normal morals, stick to a modest amount, at least, because vomit is as sexy as it looks.

2. Tell her she looks good, even if she looks like a horse.

Not that you would go out on a date with anyone who looks like a horse (Unless you too look like a horse), but just in case she chooses to wear make-up/jewellery/clothes that mildly increase her 'horsiness' quotient that evening then really do not mention this and tell her that she looks lovely anyway.

However, if she is very horse-like then tell her that you don't want to be seen with horse-faces and offer to escort her off the premises immediately. Harsh, perhaps, but fair. It's better that she knows in the long run. Honestly.

If she doesn’t look like a horse, feel free to mention this. It’s a compliment. Then buy her another drink. Remember, just a few drinks for her now could mean a lifetime of free sandwich labour for you.

1. If you take her back to her home then… Don't just follow her expectantly inside.

Wait to be invited. It just looks better. If she doesn't invite you in, then say goodnight and leave. I don't know what you'll do next, since I am always invited in, but here's something that you definitely should not do: Masturbate in your car.

At least drive home first. I know that you were all fired up, and have to do something with that pent up energy, but wait until you get home. What if she comes outside again because she left her scarf in you car? What then, you “filthy bastard”? Which is, by the way, what she'll call you when she sees you, seriously reducing your chances of a second date and shattering your 'James Bond' façade, which you worked so hard on all evening. James Bond wouldn't be caught wanking in a car, would he?