Very Top Five... Ways to get more blog readers

So you’ve got a blog, and you’ve been pouring your little heart into it for some time. Unfortunately, no-one seems to dig (or digg) your own peculiar brand of self-diagnosed genius, and you are still getting only two hits a day. (Both from your mother, who likes to keep up with what her boy is up to these days on the world wide internet with all his electronic friends.)

Anyway… what you need in this situation is some quality dead-cert tips for reeling in the visitors. These hints, generally speaking, will appeal to the coarser, baser elements of human nature and your site will soon be habituated by the kind of feckless moron that makes up most of humanity; but then, that’s rather the point, innit?

5. Pictures of cats with hilarious and endearingly misspelled captions:

These involve finding a cute/angry/contorted/sleeping/hiding/disgruntled/sulking/eating/bored/relaxed/ugly/scowling/rabid cat and writing a stupid caption with terrible spelling (Very specific terrible spelling), which apparently suggests that the cat did the writing itself. (Luik at teh kyoot pikchoor wiht teh capshun! Iz almoest liek teh kitteh roet it izself!)

Do this right and the morons will guffaw like seals, and clap their flippers delightedly.

4. Racist/political/religious diatribe:

This isn’t particularly difficult. All you have to do is write according to the formula; “I hate/love the [insert rude word for group of people here]/[insert reprehensible political group here],” and you can relax and let nature take its course:

Lots of people furiously googling for more information on these delicate subjects will find your site and agree/disagree vehemently with you in block capitals. Many of the comments will be along the lines of “YOU SUCK YOU FUCKFACE I HOPE YOU DIE OF RABIES AND AIDS”. But still, a visitor’s a visitor.

However, you can be more subtle (insidious) than merely making a straightforward statement: how about using logic (or pseudo-logic) to build up an argument that appears to be sound (but really isn’t…). Or try stealing scientific data from other sources and then extrapolate it by adding your own crazy opinions to make your argument look more plausible.

click it to see what I mean...

3. Pictures of naked wimen:

Everyone loves pictures of naked wymmen. Men can leer enthusiastically, and other wimmin can say ‘tsk’ (Which I gather they rather enjoy) and then they can critically compare themselves to the pictured wihmen to see how they match up. Now, I really should really use a picture of naked woomans to illustrate this point.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find any womin willing to be convinced to pose without her clothes on, so I’ve done a drawing instead. Fortunately, this is a subject about which I know a great deal. This picture of a woemman has upwards of 70% of its surface area mapped (All from personal experience, I hasten to boast).


2. Hilarious soul warming anecdotes about your family:

Everyone just loves these. What you do is write about a not-very-humorous, mundane escapade from your family life, like oh my god, that time we took both cars on holiday because of all the stuff we needed to bring for the kids, and get this, we totally forgot to bring the diapers! Even though we’d bought two plus-size packs just that morning because they don’t sell the brand we normally use up in the mountains!

No one cares! Or so you’d think, but look at the numbers of comments on these posts; Hundreds! All from people with equally moronic and pedestrian anecdotes that they feel bound to share with you in 160 words or less.

I can’t find any children belonging to me, so I can’t do this. The next best thing is to talk about your siblings. I have a twin sister, which should make for excellent light badinage. So I recorded a phone conversation I had with her. We spoke for about half an hour, but once I’d edited out the belching and swearing it barely added up to 10 minutes. Unfortunately, due to our mutual, deep strangeness, the conversation was littered with questionable titbits like:

Sister: “You know fawns?”
Me: “Yes. Like Mr Tumnus from ‘the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe’?”
Sister: “That’s right… Well, I think I saw a dead one on the roof opposite my flat.”
ME: “Wow… Have you tried climbing up there for a closer look?”

Then we practised “laughing like Arabs” for 5 minutes. Apparently I couldn’t do it because I don’t have the “right vocal cadence. Make it more natural. Come on, laugh like an arab. It’s easy. Try throwing your head back.”

So giving your stories a personal twist only really works when you are less twisted personally.

1. Celebrities:

If there is one other thing everyone inexplicably loves, it’s knowing whether Mr Hollywood is having sex with Miss Hollywood (Or even juicier, if he isn’t having sex with her, then why not? What twists-and-turns have there been in their fabulously fabulous relationship?). Not only that, but everyone wants to know YOUR opinion on this state of affairs. Do you love their shiny-sequinned-sparkly lifestyles? Or do you find yourself sickened by the people who think that meretriciousness equals merit?

So write it down, and write it volubly, splenetically and persuasively; soon all will flock to the font of your illustrious/infamous wisdom, and you will yourself become famous. (It’s infectious, you know.)

-

Try and find a winning combination of the above for your website URL, like “www.MyFamilysFamousFascistCat(Also,CatsAreNaked).blogspot.com.”