Very Top Five... Ways to snare a good man (For women)

This is written for women, by the way. (If you are a man and wish to snare men, you’ll have to check that they are of the same persuasion first. Apparently there are ways to tell. Either that or be immensely good at persuasion.)

Man are bastards, multiple sources reliably inform me. If you require further proof of how conniving/blasé/wanky men are, please read “Very Top Five… Ways to impress on a first date”. You’ll see what I mean. Bastards, the lot of them. They’re only in it for the sandwiches.

I am sans vagin, which may lead you to question my authority when it comes to dispensing womanly advice like some sort of demented agony aunt. But that’s just the point; I’m the man on the other side, as it were. I’m a defected agony aunt, like during the Cold War but without the threat of mutually assured destruction (Or maybe that’s not so far off the truth, fellow relationship cynics? No? Zing!). Ahem, anyway, I know plenty of awesome bona fide ways to snare a bonnie find.

The format of this article is different from usual, as I have decided to helpfully tailor my advice depending on your Attractiveness Score (Or AS, if you prefer zippy acronyms) derived from a test wot I personally devised personally. It’s just like the ones they have in those women’s magazines. Not that I would know.

Award yourself +1 point for each of the following:

A light, tinkly laugh like a crystal glass being flicked by an Angel with diamond fingers.

A way of moving that makes your coat swoosh around you like in the matrix.

A gaze that has been described as “smouldering” by at least two trusted sources.

A sense of humour (A proper one, not just playing ‘laugh-catch-up’ when everyone else gets a joke, or when you think you’re supposed to laugh. We can tell.)

Long, flowing hair like a billowing silken sheet.

Jolly nice breasts

Not fat. Does this sound subjective? Come on, you know if you’re fat or not, porky.

You’ve been whistled at by anyone other than some ugly builders (They’ll whistle at anything moving, including site equipment, passing cats, and each other.)

An easy-going personality (See “sense of humour,” above Men can tell when you’re really a psycho with a veneer of fake loveliness. Most of the time, anyway.)
All your own teeth (or a really convincing set of fake ‘uns.)

Lots of good looking friends (2 point if you have exclusively good looking friends, as good looking friends give you a great indication that you, yourself, are good looking. You may have one ugly friend, whom you keep around to increase the contrast of your own beauty.)

And now apply -1 points for each of the following:

Nasal hair that exceeds one centimetre in length or that protrudes from your nostrils.

A facial scar caused by anything other than duelling (Because duelling is obviously very sexually attractive).

Missing teeth, or indeed no teeth.

A hilariously old fashioned wooden limb that clonks on hard surfaces.

A child that comes with you on the date. (minus two points if it's holding something sticky. Minus 5 points if it's wailing AND holding something sticky AND is using its sticky thing to daub your date’s car.)

A missing eye (Although if you have a tasteful glass eye then only deduct half a point. If you have a super-hyper-awesome glass eye of a smiley face or something, deduct five points. Weirdo.)

A propensity for being likened to a horse (If people often mention your horsiness then deduct five points)

For each of the following places that you have body hair then deduct a point: upper lip, in between your eyebrows, knuckles, elbows, the back of your knees, on your jaw, anywhere in your mouth and in your ears.

Additional points:

For facial piercings and obvious tattoos: Either add or subtract five points. You will become inexplicably more attractive to fellow tattooed and pierced people, who are perhaps seeing in you what led them to get their skin irreversibly stained and their faces stapled in the first place… And you will appear less attractive to the rest of us; you’ve got stained skin and metal in your actual face.

Now, add up your Attractiveness Score:

Do you have +3 or more? Then well done! You're good looking. You are in section 1 below.

Did you score between +2 and -1? Then you are not-bad-looking-in-the-right-light. Go to section 2.

Did you score between -2 and -7? Oh dear. You're going to need a bit of help getting chaps to see you as an attractive prospect. Go to section 3.

Did you score between -8 and -11? Don't you even think about going out on any dates in your condition. Or indeed out at all. Stay indoors. But don't yet despair, see section 4.

Less than -12? Go to section 5 for your advice immediately.

1. So you are good looking?

You’ve got it made, sis. Do the following:

Laugh charmingly.

Look pretty.

Keep doing whatever you’re doing.

That's it. Wait for the suitors to begin queuing. Everyone will do whatever you want, all of the time. (If people don't do whatever you want all of the time then you may have added up your points incorrectly, you naughty cheat.)

2. So you are not-so-bad looking?

First, find a man. You can almost take your pick, but be reasonable. Right, got one? Now you are going to need to use all of your natural assets to pull this one off, but you can do it. You go girl...

Make him feel important. Ask him questions about his life, job, family, studies, work - whatever. Men like to feel like they're the centre of the universe, so exploit this to the maximum possible extent that you possibly can. Build a small shrine for him… in his head. Know what I mean?

Is that not working for you? How about joining in with his enjoyment of 'manly' activities; Sports, for instance. Discuss football or some crap like that. Laugh at his stupid jokes.

And remember, most women fall into category 2. That's why the good looking women can get away with just sitting there, blinking, and watch as men flock to them like flies round a delicious, oozing cake. But you can get one of their rejects if you try really hard.

3. So you look like a bit plain, even in good light?

I’ll illustrate what you should do using a digressive tale involving firearms: Old fashioned muskets were notoriously inaccurate, and useless at ranges of over 50 yards or so. However, aiming at waist height would increase the chances of a hit, and when a whole battalion of soldiers fired in a concerted effort, some of the shots were bound to strike.

Same advice goes for you: Get together with your friends, go out in large groups, aim low, specifically aim for the groin, and take them by surprise.

Also, I suppose you could get some tattoos, which will give you several plus points of attractiveness to other tattooed folk. Having personally seen many tattooed people, if ‘people’ they indeed can be called, this appears to be the most common reason for getting tattoos.

4. So you look like a horse?

Good luck, horse-face.

What were you expecting? Advice? OK: Wear a bag over your head, horse-face.

5. So you look like you should live in a pond?

Then go and live in one.

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Good luck, girls… (I tried to warn you that men are bastards.)