Very Top Five People Who Are Almost As Clever As Jesus

Thursday, 8 April 2010
(Sorry for the post-nudiustertian update; I really am a bletcherous slubberdegullion. If I wasn’t so callipygian I’m sure you’d have no time for me.)

If the number of public holidays attributed to a person are any indication of their fame, then Jesus comes out an easy victor; with the chocofeast of Easter a close second to the presentfest of Christmas as everyone’s favourite day of the year. And Jesus is so Christmassy that they even stuck his name on it.

So, if the bible is to be believed, Jesus was a pretty special chap; wandering about curing people of blindness, deafness and even the dreaded dropsy. By the way, he had a pretty manky way of curing blindness; he spat in some dirt, then rubbed it in the blind person’s eyes. Try the same technique at with the next blind person you see (don’t worry, they’re easy to sneak up on) for a memorable and acrimonious reminder that you aren’t as good at curing people as Jesus.

Know any paralysed people? Try telling them to get up and walk. This rough love worked for Jesus, but I reckon if you tried it you’d forever be known as that bastard who mocks cripples.

So by now you are starting to think that Jesus may well have been performing genuine miracles (or the bible made it all up…) but here are another five people who managed the impossible, performing miracles worthy of Jesus. But rather than be all mystically cryptic about it, they revealed how the trick was done. Accordingly, they are thought of merely as very clever, rather than the son of God.

Here we go;


5. Guy Henry Faget cured leprosy

Dr Guy Henry Faget (don’t laugh) is widely credited with discovering the powerful effect of the drug Promin on leprosy in 1943; the first effective cure since Jesus’s secret hand waving technique.

Anway, after Jesus swanned in and effortlessly cured a few lepers, everyone said “Howdedodat?” and wandered around looking puzzled and awed in a suitably biblical manner. Then they decided to have a go at it themselves; cue the usual hall of horrors-type historical progression where almost anything is tried to cure a disease, and where even the most horrendous ‘cures’ are used for hundreds of years despite no evidence that they work.

These included: drinking or bathing in blood, chopping out fallopian tubes or performing vasectomies, washing in the faeces of the climbing fish, scarification, bee stings, and latterly radiotherapy and electro-shock therapy. The bible pitched in by describing a very specific and totally unhelpful recipe involving birds’ blood, ceremonial shaving, sacrificial lambs, and much more: (Leviticus 14:2 onwards, if you want to know. Leviticus, by the way, is the equivalent of an angrily written Facebook message after a heavy night’s drinking. It’s the part with all that bitter stuff about homosexuality, and says dwarves can’t be priests, and I’m sure God regretted it very much in the morning.)

Then Dr Guy Henry Faget (Don’t laugh) came to the rescue of lepers with the first properly effective treatment. He was then generally lauded and admired until his untimely death of heart disease shortly afterwards. Seems God doesn’t like a copy cat. (I am trying really hard not to say something like "and after all, God hates Fagets". Damn, I said it anyway. Sorry.)

When Dr Guy Henry Faget was looking for participants to try his drugs out on, he wrote the following message; “This is the Modern Age, the Age of Light. Let us have the truth. Leprosy is not a dirt disease. Leprosy is not due to any sin committed by those who contract it. It is not a retaliation of God against its victims.”

Messianic, no?

4. Clayton Jacobson II walked on water

You know how at parties some fun loving ass might suggest a game of dares? Well, there is often a particular cadence to the way that these are phrased; the dare-asker will often start their dare with an innocuous sounding action, since these are the first verbs which pop into their head, such as “I dare you to eat…” or “I dare you to say…” or “I dare you to go…” as their alcohol-puckered brain frantically ticks over, trying to fire into life and think of something suitably outrageous to eat, or say, or do; the proclamation of which will delight their fellow party goers who, for the first time this evening, (or possibly ever) are hanging on their every word.

How about, “I dare you to walk… on water !”

Anyone but Jesus and Clayton Jacobson II would blanch in fear at the prospect as everyone rises with a unified cry of “Yes! To the lake!”

Clayton Jacobson would also so be able to go much faster than Jesus, because he invented the Jet Ski. After all, why walk on water when you can ski? You don’t even have to be on the piste (unlike our aforementioned party goers. Zing!)

Maybe you don’t consider using a jet ski to be quite the same thing as walking on water. Clayton is still living today, so clearly God doesn’t consider it a threat to Jesus’ hydrambling either.

3. David Blaine survived crucifixion

David Blaine is a magician who stopped doing tricks and started doing endurance stunts, removing the element of wonder since the answer is always “by force of will.” He was then was surprised when people got bored with his stunts.

Of course, Jesus didn’t actually survive crucifixion; so David Blaine didn’t take the trick far enough. If only he had.

2. Steve Jobs is idolised.

It takes cultural momentum to have a crowd hanging on your every word, and debating all possible interpretations of what they might mean in the fora of their age. This momentum is built up over years, with each new story attracting a few more followers to the admiring flock. Jesus performed miraculous miracles, Steve Jobs released miraculous products.

Steve Jobs is idolised by millions, and we all know what God thinks about false idols. So long as nobody draws any comparisons, he should be ok…

1. Dr Victor Frankenstein resurrected the dead.

This is literally the ultimate trick. Some would say it is impossible, whereas others would point to Jesus and say, “Well, he could manage it.” Then the first lot of people would say “Yeah, well, that’s fine if that’s your belief, but it might be better to interpret it figuratively rather than literally.” And the second lot would say “And what about zombies?” and we would know that they were just taking the piss.

Anyway, apart from Jesus and zombies, Dr Frankenstein was the only man of science to have a successful go at resurrecting a dead body; queue unholy lumbering around and roaring with much consecutive chagrin and embarrassment all round; probably caused by God teaching Dr Frankenstein a valuable lesson in leaving well enough alone.

When Jesus was miraculously resurrected he wasn’t back for long, only a few days, and visited people only briefly, probably so they wouldn’t have a chance to notice the strings.

Of course, Dr Frankenstein was fictional. He didn’t really resurrect anyone. He’s just some dude in a book that spins one tall tale after another. Whereas Jesus, of course… oh…


Ewan said...

This is quite possibly my favourite post. Btw, when are you going to ask me again to do more drawings for ya? And aren't people being brought back from the dead on a daily basis. I propose the inventor of the defibrillator!