Very Short Five... Favourite Metaphors

Monday, 18 January 2010
I'm writing an extra-special Burns night spectacular for next Monday (which is Burns night) so this week I thought I would whet your whistle with a collection of my five favourite metaphors (and similes) from my previous articles.

5. “Atheists and Christians both feel that they have made the right choice. This burning passion separates the pure metal of truth from the dross of lies in the great foundry of the soul (or perhaps an analogous, purely psychological alternative to the soul). It also allows you to slag off the alternative views which lie around your adamantine island.”

4. “Acronyms are the LASERS of language, the SWAT teams of succinctness, and the semantic equivalent of filling your SCUBA with TNT instead of O2. OMG, acronyms are amazing.”
3. “I am sans vagin, which may lead you to question my authority when it comes to dispensing womanly advice like some sort of demented agony aunt. But that’s just the point; I’m the man on the other side, as it were. I’m a defected agony aunt, like during the Cold War but without the threat of mutually assured destruction (Or maybe that’s not so far off the truth, fellow relationship cynics? No? Zing!).

2. [Advice for attracting a man]: “Old fashioned muskets were notoriously inaccurate, and useless at ranges of over 50 yards or so. However, aiming at waist height would increase the chances of a hit, and when a whole battalion of soldiers fired in a concerted effort, some of the shots were bound to strike. Same advice goes for you: Get together with your friends, go out in large groups, aim low, specifically at the groin, and take them by surprise.”

1. “Interviews are the crusts on the toast of society. Nobody likes them, but you have to bite through them before you reach the moist goal of buttery employment.”


Gilliauna said...

*Bursts out laughing as she reads #2* Omg. How completely fitting for the club scenes of America!

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