Very Top Five... Real-life knights who’d save you from a dragon

Monday, 11 January 2010
Back in the day, if you got kidnapped by a dragon, you couldn’t move for knights charging in to slay the evil fire lizard and rescue yo' ass. These days you might be concerned about the conspicuous lack of dudes in armour, but there are knights even now; every year, the Queen elevates a few worthy chaps to the rank of Knight of the British Empire.

Which is just as well, because we’ll need someone to save you from that dragon. Such as…

5. Sir Chris Hoy

Chris Hoy was knighted in 2009 for winning three gold medals at the 2008 Olympic games, so he’s just the sort of all-round action hero type you’d want to come to wrest you from the dragon’s grasp.

He’s a cyclist, so although knights of yore would have horses to tank around on (big destriers that breathe in corn and breathe out steam) Chris Hoy would have a bike instead (which is pretty much just as good as a horse except he can also do wheelies, which are rad.)

However, despite these plus points, those heavy gold medals would weigh Sir Chris down and, even worse, dragons are able to smell gold, so it would know he was coming. Then, before you could say, “Quick! Strangle it with your inner tube, Chris!” he’d have been disappointingly disembowelled and his medals chucked onto the horde (because all self-respecting dragons have a horde.)

4. Sir David Attenborough

David Attenborough, the 83 year old doyen of nature programme narration, might not seem an obvious choice for the sort of chap to save you from a dragon, but that’s because you’ve failed to consider Sir David’s animal powers.

He could call his animal buddies to help rescue you, but to be honest there’s no other creature that could go one-on-one with a dragon. Maybe a troop of baboons or something could distract it while Sir David snuck in round the back and climbed into the tower on a rope (you’re being held in a tower, obviously). But he’s an old man, so there’s not much chance of that sort of rescue attempt.

Alternatively, David Attenborough would probably empathise with the dragon using his great natural charisma, meaning he could convince it to calm down and let you escape. Unfortunately, he might appreciate the dragon’s need to take prisoners as part of its natural behaviour and leave you to be eaten. Sorry, that’s just how nature works.

3. Sir Richard Branson

Sir Richard Branson, billionaire owner of Virgin, certainly has the cash necessary to tool himself up in preparation for his scrap with the dragon. And he likes challenges, if his extreme sailing jaunts are anything to go by.

Also, he has a spaceship, Virgin Galactic’s Spaceship One. I’m not sure how this helps fight the dragon, but perhaps if they got involved in some sort of high altitude dogfight it would come in useful?

However, despite these plus points, Sir Richard Branson loses kudos for his repeated previous failures to tackle another fire breathing monster; the hot air balloon. He tried and failed to circumnavigate the globe several times in the 90s.

You’d want someone with a spotless record in this area before you were totally comfortable with them riding to your rescue, spaceship or not.

2. Sir Tim Berners-Lee

Sir Tim invented the internet, putting him in a prime position to fight that dragon. He could look up Wikipedia to find out all about different types of dragon; or go on Ebay to stock up on dragon lances and fire-retardant underwear; or log onto Facebook to ask for dragon-fighting advice.

He could organise a flash-mob to save you with his internet buddies. All these things are no problem for sir Tim, after all, he invented the interwebz with his l33t skillz, lol. That dragon’s going to be pwned. All your base are belong to Tim. Etc.

1. Sir Patrick Stewart

Need rescued? Sir Patrick Stewart will… make it so.

Cue Star Trek Music!

While it’s true that Richard Branson has a spaceship, it can barely make it out of orbit. Patrick Stewart has the USS Enterprise, a Galaxy-Class ship with phasers AND photon torpedoes. Hell yeah! Any dragon tries to fight him; he’ll just photon torpedo it in the face. Maybe all the dragons in the galaxy have turned up? He’ll just set phasers to kerblam! and lay waste, Captain Jean Luc Picard style. Yeah!

And he’s Professor Charles Xavier as well, so he’d just use his mind powers to airlift you to safety from the tower.

Alternatively, he could just impress the dragon with his marvellous acting. It would be so enraptured by his commanding stage presence and rich, mellifluous tones that it would gladly acquiesce to his demands to release you, in between the calls for encores and rapturous applause.


Polly said...

Thanks for this clarification, all of the above will do when I'm stuck trying to cope with dragons, with slight preference for Sir Richard, perhaps, because I think he would know how to make a really impressive entrance.

Angie said...

hahah very nice compilation!

Amber said...

I'm going to see Sir Patrick Stewart tomorrow at a Star Trek convention because I'm a nerd, but hopefully I'll be able to ask him if he's ready to put his knighthood to practical use in case of emergency.

Very Top Five said...

Amber, haha, that's brilliant! I hope you get the chance to ask Sir Patrick that... Let me know.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.